Thursday, July 17, 2008

He may be alright, but it is me that I am worried about.

My parents

"Untitled"
I'm hear, but not really.

I hurt but I feel numb.

The waiting is what kills me.

The dying darkens my soul.

************************************

Hands withered with age reach for me.

Tired blue eyes smile at me through tears of pain.

I've lived a good, full life he tells me.

And now I am ready to go home.

I pull up a chair and I sit there beside him in semidarkness.

We chat about things, we laugh, and we cry.

He assures me that I will be OK when he is gone.

And he asks me to be strong for Mom.

I attempt to hold back my tears of grief.

I don't want him to worry about me.

I tell him everything he needs to hear.

We say our I love yous and our goodbyes.

Just before I leave, he assures me again that he will be alright.

I smile and tell him I know.

As I walk down the harshly lit hallway, I think to my self.

He may be alright, but it is me that I am worried about.

11 comments:

Suzanne said...

Hi baby. What a beautiful post. Everyone will tell you you'll be fine, but I won't. It hurts and it will hurt for a very, very long time. Rob's dad still hasn't died. It is a slow, agonizing process and when it ends we will all suffer even more. I don't have the answer honey, I just don't, but I know what you're going through and I feel your pain. I love you with all my heart and know you will find your way. Somehow, we all do, but it's never the same. It hard to let go of people and animals you adore and harder still to move forward. After the fire at the park Random Chick reminded me there's a cycle of life and I have to respect it. I do, but can feel my feet dragging.

The photo of your parents is priceless. You are so lucky. And as your dad said, help mom. That's true love.

I adore you, you know that. I'm sending the biggest hug ever. I love you to bits honey, and I'm sorry.

With more love than you can imagine,
Me

Cecile said...

S,
Thanks.

kylie said...

sweet cecile,
i'm going to be one of those who tell you that you will be fine. you have to be.
i cant say i understand but i know that we all live through grief and come out the other side changed. i also know that when the hurt is less raw you will start to live again.
right now though, it's just too hard, i can understand that.
we all want to be here for you, lean on us if it helps
my love and prayers to you
k

just bob said...

Cherish the time you've had with your father, and the time you have left. I lost my father when I was a child and was robbed of many great memories. You will have them and many more to remember.

It won't be easy when the time comes, but you survive with the family and friends you have.

Cecile said...

Kylie,
Thanks for your kind words and support. I know that I can count on all of my blogging family to be here for me, and I do lean on you all. More than you know.

Bob,
I am sorry that you were robbed of so many memories of your father. I cannot imagine living life without mine. He has greatly influenced me and is totally responsible for the woman that I have grown into. Almost every accomplishment that I have achieved in life has been in some way to make him proud. My dad has always been the one person in my family that has understood me. He has always been the one to ask me for my opinion and actually listen to it when I gave it. He has taught me to believe in my self, and that I alone am the only one that can make a difference in my own life. I have actually been praying for God to take him quickly and quietly. I don't want him to have to linger. He wants to and is ready to go, and by asking him to hang on and fight would be just plain selfish. I'm at peace with the fact that he is dying, but my heart is still breaking from the burden of the greif of my loss.

Leah said...

Cece, my dad died three years ago, and every day I think of him and miss him so terribly. I'm still, in some way, trying to make sense of my life with him and then without him...I think I'm learning to live with it, sort of...the end journey from life to death is a sad, awesome, and mysterious one, and watching it changed me forever, though not all the ways it changed me are bad...my heart goes out to you, sweetie.

Gig said...

Cece,
Beautiful post and picture of your Parents...

I am crying with you...
I have been praying for you and your faith...it is there, it will always be there. Especially when you need it the most. I am so glad you were able to sit with your Dad and have this time. I did not see my Dad before he died and I am trying not to regret that.
We are all here for you and we all love you... debbie

Queen Goob said...

Cece,

My father passed away in June of 1999. He had suffered and struggled with Parkinson's for twelve long years. You are so blessed to have these moments with your dad to talk to him, say good-bye, tell him how much you love him. We didn't have that as my dad was bed ridden and not cognitive for the last two years of his life. Take this time, share your love, and cherish that forever.

I won't tell you you'll be fine because that's your dad, you know? But I can tell you the pain eases over time and memories bring smiles and laughter more often than sorrow.

Blessings of peace to you and yours, you'll be thought of often with much love.

Peter said...

Darling honeybunch,

There's nothing I can say to make this any better.

Just remember that we're all here for you.

Sorry sweetie, but I just don't know the words to say.

Take care honeybunch,

Peter xxx

Kookaburra said...

Hello Cecile,

beautiful and heartfelt poem ....
I find it difficult to console people people in their hour of need....
whatever I say seems so inadequate...

I wan't even try to paraphrase what Suzanne has said because Suzanne has expressed what I have been thinking more eloquently than I ever can...

All I can say is let the love surround you while you grieve....

and remember... you will see your personal rainbow again.

My love to you all,

Mark.

Robyn said...

What a beautiful post of your dad girly! It touched me deeply! Thanks for sharing him with us! Your in my thoughts!
Hugs,
Robyn